Sleep On It
by Alyssa Auch
There I was, a fluffy confection of white, standing before a line of relatives with a “just married” smile that radiated absolute bliss. This, I knew, was the start of the happiest years of my life, and I welcomed whatever challenges would come my way. Beside me, my husband shook hands and gave hugs with the same kind of kinetic energy that buzzed through every cell in my body.
We were married. Nothing could take that moment away from us. With each hug in the line of wedding guests usually came a phrase of congratulation, a declaration of love for us, or sometimes, a word of advice. The most common one I received was an old adage few thought second about:
“Don’t go to bed angry!”
I accepted this advice as true. After all, we wouldn’t want hurt feelings to fester or problems to be buried. One older woman even said, “What if he died in the middle of the night and you never solved your problems?”
A terrifying concept for a newlywed. And so as the honeymoon ended, our lives began rolling at a steady pace typical of the marital existence, and then there came the tiffs. Here and there we stepped on toes. Feelings were hurt. Words said. And always the idea that we should resolve our conflicts before we laid down to bed was part of my marital happiness tactics.
Only later did I learn that old wisdom isn’t exactly accurate wisdom. With new research into marriage dynamics has come clarifying advice on just how long is too long when resolving conflicts, and if doing so before bed really does help the marriage flourish.
John Gottman is a leading researcher in the field of marriage, having written several books based on his work as a marriage counselor and findings from case studies. In his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Gottman addresses this very myth about going to bed angry. He says, “…the idea that it’s helpful for couples to air their grievances in the heat of the moment is probably one of the most dangerous marriage myths out there.” This, Gottman explains, is because in the heat of the moment, couples can be easily “flooded,” or overwhelmed with their emotions. This leads to angry words, a lack of forethought in the argument, and, generally, a pointless fight.
What he suggests, rather than the couple forcing themselves to confront an issue they are both worked up about, is to sleep on it. Simmer down. Think about it. Have you ever had a problem the night before, and when you woke up it seemed a mite less significant? This principle is the same with marriage. What may seem like the grievance of the century may, after some time away from the issue, actually be a moment of emotional “flooding.”
What John Gottman does suggest doing every night before bed, regardless of the level of marital happiness in the moment, is kissing. “No matter what — if you’re angry, if he’s angry, or if you’re both exhausted — kiss goodnight for six seconds,” he advises. “Sure, sometimes you’ll be so mad or tired that the kiss will last for six nanoseconds. But it will remind you of your enduring affection, and besides — long kisses often lead to something even better than conversation.”
It is still important to resolve the issue that arose the night before, and for that Gottman has several principles and strategies so it is kind, well-communicated, and thoughtful. The best thing a couple can do for their relationship is keep cool in the face of adversity, and if that means sleeping a little further apart for a night, then that’s just fine.
We were married. Nothing could take that moment away from us. With each hug in the line of wedding guests usually came a phrase of congratulation, a declaration of love for us, or sometimes, a word of advice. The most common one I received was an old adage few thought second about:
“Don’t go to bed angry!”
I accepted this advice as true. After all, we wouldn’t want hurt feelings to fester or problems to be buried. One older woman even said, “What if he died in the middle of the night and you never solved your problems?”
A terrifying concept for a newlywed. And so as the honeymoon ended, our lives began rolling at a steady pace typical of the marital existence, and then there came the tiffs. Here and there we stepped on toes. Feelings were hurt. Words said. And always the idea that we should resolve our conflicts before we laid down to bed was part of my marital happiness tactics.
Only later did I learn that old wisdom isn’t exactly accurate wisdom. With new research into marriage dynamics has come clarifying advice on just how long is too long when resolving conflicts, and if doing so before bed really does help the marriage flourish.
John Gottman is a leading researcher in the field of marriage, having written several books based on his work as a marriage counselor and findings from case studies. In his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Gottman addresses this very myth about going to bed angry. He says, “…the idea that it’s helpful for couples to air their grievances in the heat of the moment is probably one of the most dangerous marriage myths out there.” This, Gottman explains, is because in the heat of the moment, couples can be easily “flooded,” or overwhelmed with their emotions. This leads to angry words, a lack of forethought in the argument, and, generally, a pointless fight.
What he suggests, rather than the couple forcing themselves to confront an issue they are both worked up about, is to sleep on it. Simmer down. Think about it. Have you ever had a problem the night before, and when you woke up it seemed a mite less significant? This principle is the same with marriage. What may seem like the grievance of the century may, after some time away from the issue, actually be a moment of emotional “flooding.”
What John Gottman does suggest doing every night before bed, regardless of the level of marital happiness in the moment, is kissing. “No matter what — if you’re angry, if he’s angry, or if you’re both exhausted — kiss goodnight for six seconds,” he advises. “Sure, sometimes you’ll be so mad or tired that the kiss will last for six nanoseconds. But it will remind you of your enduring affection, and besides — long kisses often lead to something even better than conversation.”
It is still important to resolve the issue that arose the night before, and for that Gottman has several principles and strategies so it is kind, well-communicated, and thoughtful. The best thing a couple can do for their relationship is keep cool in the face of adversity, and if that means sleeping a little further apart for a night, then that’s just fine.