Fight Fair
by Danell Betbeze
Once upon a time, you were married and you thought that you could never get in a fight with this person that you had fallen so madly in love with. The truth is in any good marriage there is conflict; but, it is how it is handled that determines the outcome and if our marriage is going to last. John Gottman in his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work talks about the four horsemen that must be avoided if a marriage is going to last.
1. Criticism must be avoided; but, it is important to remember that criticism and a complaint are two different things. We will always have complaints about the person we live with. A complaint only address the specific thing that your spouse has done to irritate you; whereas, a complaint includes “some negative words about the character or the personality “of you
companion. A complaint has this form to it, “I am really hurt that you forgot to pick up the living room last night, we agreed that on the nights I get home from work late you would do that.” Criticism would add to this “Why can’t you ever remember anything. I worked late last night and I still had to come home and pick up the living room and you said that you would help out more. I can see that you don’t really care.”
2. Contempt is the worst thing in a marriage because it shows disgust. Once your partner senses that they are disgusted with them, it is almost impossible to solve the problem with them. Sarcasm, cynicism, name calling, eye-rolling, sneering, and mockery are all forms of contempt. When there is contempt it seems to always lead to more arguments. The fuel for contempt is letting negative thoughts simmer about your spouse. You are more likely to have these thoughts if contention in your marriage goes unresolved.
3. Defensiveness does not work in an argument either because, in reality, we are just shifting the blame of the situation back onto your partner. When you become defensive in an argument, you are basically saying to your partner, “The problem isn’t me, it’s you.” This only escalates the conflict.
4. Stonewalling happens in marriages because one partner tunes out the other. Criticism, contempt and defensiveness do not have to happen in any particular order, but can keep working together until one partner in the relationship just shuts down. However, shutting down and not resolving the conflict does not work either because in a sense you are just avoiding your marriage. Stonewalling does not often happen early on in marriage, and takes place after you have been on a negative spiral.
In order to make sure that the horseman do not gallop into the relationship a couple must have already developed a fondness and admiration for each other. These two things are the “most crucial elements in a rewarding and long-lasting romance” (63). Make sure that every once in a while you get together and revisit your past and reconnect every so often to remember the things that once made you fall in love. Tell each other what you appreciate about each other and what you love about each other.
Remember, there is not just one perfect person out there for you to marry. Every individual comes with a set of problems. You chose your set of problems when you agreed to marry each other. Create your happily ever after by avoiding criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling when there are disagreements.
1. Criticism must be avoided; but, it is important to remember that criticism and a complaint are two different things. We will always have complaints about the person we live with. A complaint only address the specific thing that your spouse has done to irritate you; whereas, a complaint includes “some negative words about the character or the personality “of you
companion. A complaint has this form to it, “I am really hurt that you forgot to pick up the living room last night, we agreed that on the nights I get home from work late you would do that.” Criticism would add to this “Why can’t you ever remember anything. I worked late last night and I still had to come home and pick up the living room and you said that you would help out more. I can see that you don’t really care.”
2. Contempt is the worst thing in a marriage because it shows disgust. Once your partner senses that they are disgusted with them, it is almost impossible to solve the problem with them. Sarcasm, cynicism, name calling, eye-rolling, sneering, and mockery are all forms of contempt. When there is contempt it seems to always lead to more arguments. The fuel for contempt is letting negative thoughts simmer about your spouse. You are more likely to have these thoughts if contention in your marriage goes unresolved.
3. Defensiveness does not work in an argument either because, in reality, we are just shifting the blame of the situation back onto your partner. When you become defensive in an argument, you are basically saying to your partner, “The problem isn’t me, it’s you.” This only escalates the conflict.
4. Stonewalling happens in marriages because one partner tunes out the other. Criticism, contempt and defensiveness do not have to happen in any particular order, but can keep working together until one partner in the relationship just shuts down. However, shutting down and not resolving the conflict does not work either because in a sense you are just avoiding your marriage. Stonewalling does not often happen early on in marriage, and takes place after you have been on a negative spiral.
In order to make sure that the horseman do not gallop into the relationship a couple must have already developed a fondness and admiration for each other. These two things are the “most crucial elements in a rewarding and long-lasting romance” (63). Make sure that every once in a while you get together and revisit your past and reconnect every so often to remember the things that once made you fall in love. Tell each other what you appreciate about each other and what you love about each other.
Remember, there is not just one perfect person out there for you to marry. Every individual comes with a set of problems. You chose your set of problems when you agreed to marry each other. Create your happily ever after by avoiding criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling when there are disagreements.